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In The Autumn of Their Lives, Gay Seniors Speak Out
By Jason Michael, Pride Source
August 5, 2004
It's another beautiful, balmy July day as five gay men gather with one female facilitator in a small and rather warm meeting room at Affirmations Lesbian Gay Community Center in Ferndale. The men, who range in age from 55 to 68, are regular visitors to the Senior Connection, a year-old social and support group for LGBT senior citizens. The weekly group, which averages 5-10 members, plays host to a wide range of discussion issues, and sex not the least among them.
"I think a lot of young people, even a lot of middle aged people, think that you turn 55 and sex is dead that there's no fire down below," says Ron, 63. "That's a stereotype."
Just one of many that members of the group have had to face - they deal with them on a daily basis, from younger gay men, from fellow gay seniors who haven't yet learned how to grow old gracefully, from a community - a culture - obsessed with youth and beauty.
"I've been young and I've been old, and it's not a hell of a lot different," says Wayne, 58. "It's just not as pretty and it's just not as marketable."
But marketable or not, growing old is both a burden and blessing; it's all in how you look at it, and how you look at yourself.
"I'm 58, but I'm also 57 and 50 and 18," Wayne continues. "I have all those ages residing in me. It's a cumulative process. I've gone through a lot and I'm proud of my cumulative growth, and I wouldn't want to go back to being young. But I see a lot of people, my contemporaries and my peers, in great denial, trying to maintain something that they were and that they'll never be again, and missing out on that which is just meant to be."
A large number of gay seniors are missing out, not by choice, though. It's hard enough to be recognized in a youth-centered society, but add heterosexist to the mix, and many elderly gays find themselves subconsciously back in closets they abandoned decades ago.
"A lot of seniors in the LGBT community are really separated from the community," says Laura Kane-Witkowski, Affirmations' Health Services Coordinator. "They don't necessarily go to the clubs, go to the bars. And some of them who've maybe either had a longtime partner that passed away or who have been with the same person for years and years and years, they are kind of off doing their own thing. They might not read Between The Lines, they might not get Center Lines newsletter from Affirmations. So reaching those seniors has become another goal. We're trying to do a little bit of outreach to nursing homes and senior centers and things like that. We have a pet therapy group that meets here at the center that goes to different nursing homes. And one of the primary reasons we do that, on top of the fact that we think that it's a really great therapeutic and volunteer opportunity for people at the center, but it also allows us to go into nursing homes with our rainbow flags and with our buttons, so people in the nursing homes who might also feel isolated and who maybe have even gone back into the closet now that they're in a nursing home or assisted living center, can see a gay presence."
Resources for LGBT seniors are limited. In addition to their nursing home outreach and the Senior Connection, Affirmations also has a second group that meets weekly for coffee at the center.
"Our senior programming is basically brand new," continues Kane-Witkowski.
"We're hoping to see those groups branch out and not only gain more members but also start up their own activities, like committees that do traveling, doing fun things like going to the science center and the museums."
Outlook, state of mind key to healthy living
For those who are physically up to such field trips, the rewards are great. The socialization is a good anecdote to depression, and staying busy helps the mind and spirit.
"I think it depends on one's outlook and just life in general," says Gary Murphy, a 68-year-old retired teacher who lives in Birmingham. "Gay aging probably isn't a whole lot different than everyone else's aging. In some respects, the gay culture does adore youth and looks, and I don't think that's bad. I like to look at that, too. I guess the key is to try to have a well-rounded life."
Gordon Barnard, alias Rita Hayworth, agrees. He smoothed out all his rough edges eons ago.
"I regard myself as a curiosity because here I am, at the age of 68, and yet I can't relate to older people," he says. "I really, really cant. I will take advantage of the senior benefits and all that, but I could not live in a commune or a retirement home because I'd feel out of place. I aim to keep aware and abreast of current events. I don't want to fall into that trap, which seems to be an easy thing for people to do, which is to ease into old age. I see that all the time I witness people who are younger than I am acting older than I am. There's something about people that they seem to relax into old age, and I won't let that happen."
No, Barnhard is set on fighting it to the death. And joining him in battle is his buddy and former Cass Technical High School Class of 1955 alum, BTL columnist and community activist Charles Alexander.
"When Charles and I were going to Cass Tech, we were not what you would call fast friends then," says Barnard. "We would see each other in the classes and what have you, but I didn't really hang out with him." The two would see each other periodically through the years, but it wasn't until 1998, when Barnard saw Alexander's byline in Between The Lines and promptly called him up, that the two of them forged a real friendship. "So in a real sense, when we did meet, it was like rediscovering one another. So we had like tastes, and we had both majored in commercial arts, and we liked books, and films and theatre and although our tastes aren't exactly alike there was enough to there to build a solid friendship, and it's just grown and grown. It's very strange how over a period of years your tastes change and your ability to relate to people changes also. It's like that quote, 'You can't go home again.' It's very, very true."
But where they can go is to Royal Oak once a week where the two meet for lunch. It's an amazing gift to be able to share 50-year-old memories with someone, but it's one that comes naturally for Alexander, who's been sharing his memories with BTL readers for years in his Parting Glances column.
"I've made a point of doing that," explains Alexander of his efforts to chronicle half a century's worth of Southeastern Michigan LGBT history. There is even an effort underway to produce a compilation of his columns in book form.
In the meantime, Alexander is still busy making history, as are the other gay seniors interviewed here, who all continue to remain active.
"I don't think aging is that much of an issue," says Mike, 55, of the Senior Connection group. "I think it's someone else's issue. Your body gets old but your mind doesn't really seem like it ages."
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