Care for Aging Parents, as Luck 
Would Have It

By Lawrence C. Levy, Newsday

December 20, 2006

If we baby boomers are the "sandwich generation," responsible for our children and parents, then our moms and dads are the top slice of bread. And all too often they are toast.

Given the high costs of nursing care, as well as the inadequate pay and training (particularly for relatively low-skilled home health aides), it's getting harder to find our elders affordable and reliable help.
And what about us? When soon there will be more aging boomers than people in any other generation, who will help us - especially those of us who don't have money and family? Who will pay and train caregivers to meet this growing need? 

These are among the great political, economic and moral questions of the coming age. The best minds should be focusing on them, now. 

Meanwhile, we do what we can and must, as my sister and girlfriend do.

My mother, Cyl, has always been tough. She didn't fold after my father died but went to work and didn't retire until she was 84. Then, a month ago, she decided to move from Florida to California - at 90. 

My sister, Mara, also has guts. In her 30s she moved from New York to San Francisco, knowing nobody there except the boyfriend with whom she would start a business. 

Our mother, thousands of miles from both of us, didn't like to tell her children when she was ill. Luckily, that wasn't often, but it drove us nuts to learn - after the fact - of operations she'd have. "Why worry you over nothing?" she'd say.

Over the last few years a lot of those "nothings" began to pile up. She lived alone for 25 years, but finally decided she needed more attention - "just in case something happened."

So she wanted to try "assisted living" - her own apartment, but one where she'd be checked on a few times a day and provided with meals and rides. 

Mom also felt it was time to live closer to one of her two kids. I whined a little about why not near me, where her grandchildren live? But the truth is that if she had chosen to endure northern winters rather than sip cabernet in Sonoma's sunshine, I would have had her head examined.

My sister, with the enthusiastic help of her boyfriend-turned-husband, Phil, has thrown herself into making our mother feel welcome. They've helped her find doctors, hair stylists and even friends. Based on my mom's latest e-mail, she likes her new life.

But she is lucky she is healthy, can afford a safe place to live and has a daughter willing and able to take charge.

The same can be said about my girlfriend Freda's mother - except, sadly, for health. Evelyn is 80 but has incurable cancer. Her husband is not well enough to care for her full time. So her diligent and loving daughter put her life in New York on hold to care for her, hands-on, in Florida. And it has been essential for more than just emotional support:

Every day, a home aide or even a doctor gets something wrong - from keeping inaccurate notes to administering or prescribing improper medications. It's almost a full-time job keeping on top of it all - and she and her mom are paying top dollar out of pocket.

Like my sister, my girlfriend is able to help. But there are plenty of daughters and sons who don't have the money and resources to step in with little consequence to career and relationships.

Meanwhile, we can only admire those shouldering the ultimate burden for children: caring for our parents. 

The world does not make it much easier for people such as my sister and girlfriend. (Isn't it the daughters who most often are called on?) But that's what marks their acts as selfless as well as essential.

Their mothers are lucky to have their help. I am, too - especially as examples to live by. 

Copyright © Global Action on Aging
Terms of Use  |  Privacy Policy  |  Contact Us