7
Ways to Save Your Relationships From
Caregiver Stress
By Paula Spencer Scott, New
America Media
March 17, 2012

Image Credit: brainline.org
SAN
FRANCISCO--First the good news: Many family
caregivers say the experience warms and
strengthens their bonds with the loved ones in
their care. Too bad that so many of their
other relationships -- with a partner,
children, siblings, friends -- can become
strained to the point of breaking by a
caregiving journey.
Spouses and kids of those caring for an aging
parent, for example, may feel neglected.
Friends can't relate and drift away. Siblings
disagree, get jealous -- or don't lift a
finger to help and are resented.
Fully 80 percent of caregivers in a 2009
Caring.com survey reported that caregiving
strained their marriage or other
relationships. Half of caregivers (53 percent)
said their caregiving takes time away from
friends and other family members, according to
the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC).
Almost one-third of caregivers said their
emotions interfered "a lot" with their social
lives, found a 2011 UCLA Center for Health
Policy report.
It all happens almost without your realizing
it. "The risk of caregiving is that you
gravitate toward newness -- you have to pay
attention to your time and your energy in the
new situation or crisis," said Carol D.
O'Dell, a Florida-based speaker on caregiving
and the author of Mothering Mother. She added,
"And you ignore all the quieter people and
situations in your life."
Net result: isolation, tension, resentment, a
perceived lack of support, lost sources of
support -- and a lot more stress in an already
overstressed life.
Caregivers who have sacrificed time with
family and friends are far more likely to feel
high emotional stress (47 percent) than are
those who have been able to maintain the time
they spend with family and friends (14
percent), says the NAC.
Here are seven protective buffers against
relationship stress:
1. Problem:
You have to focus on the neediest person.
Protective step: Consciously decide that
your other relationships matter.
It's easy to take loved ones for granted
because they're (almost) always there for us.
But when you're stressed, it pays to bring a
little intention to your relationships. "You
have only so much time, love, and energy to
throw around," O'Dell said. "If one person is
at the 'top of the totem pole,' it means
someone else is at the bottom."
Run a mental patrol of the important people in
your life. You may not be able to maintain
exactly the same pre-caregiving relationship,
but it's important to stay attuned to their
cues and complaints. Simply knowing to pay
attention can help you avoid missing crisis
situations with those quiet loved ones
currently lower down on the totem pole.
2. Problem:
You don't have time for one another.
Protective step: Create rituals you can
share together.
The nice thing about rituals is that they
don't have to take up a lot of time -- who has
that? But they concentrate your togetherness
in meaningful ways. Create small events for
various loved ones that you can both look
forward to -- a monthly lunch with a best
friend, an after-dinner walk around the block
with your mate, popcorn and a movie with your
child on Friday nights.
Making couple time a priority is one of the
most effective ways to protect a marital
relationship, said marriage experts and
Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz. The same holds
true for bonds to children, other family
members, and friends, says O'Dell. You can
bankrupt yourself emotionally by caregiving,
and that's not what it's meant to do," said
O'Dell, who took care of her mother for a
decade.
Bonus: Rituals break up the tedium of
caregiving for you, which also eases stress.
3. Problem:
Your friends' concerns seem trivial compared
to yours. Protective step: Force yourself to
"stay in the game."
A common experience for caregivers is that
looking after someone who is frail or sick is,
after all, dramatic business. Previous shared
interests, like shopping or gossip, may seem
trivial and easily forgotten.
In the short term, that's completely
understandable, O'Dell said. In a caregiving
crisis, it's often necessary to put this role
above all. The people in high-quality
relationships know they aren't always
even-steven; sometimes one side needs to lean
on the other more. But few relationships can
sustain a big tilt over the long haul. "There
is life after caregiving, and you're going to
want those relationships to jump back into,"
she stressed.
O'Dell recommends forcing yourself to send the
birthday card or make the call congratulating
someone on a promotion or big life event, even
when it's the last thing you feel like doing.
"Force yourself to be a friend sometimes,"
O'Dell said. Reaching out is also reassuring
and inviting to friends who may be hanging
back, uncertain how to approach you in your
time of crisis.
4. Problem:
You're wearing out your welcome. Protective
step: Vent, but only so far.
Every caregiver needs "safe havens," people to
whom he or she can safely blow off frustration
and resentment, and share the other mixed
feelings about caregiving. At the same time,
though, your responsibility is to not use your
nearest and dearest exclusively as sounding
boards. Relationships are by definition
reciprocal. So, for example, set a timer and
agree you'll vent for ten minutes before
moving on to other topics.
Be a listener as well as a complainer --
everyone has stressors in his or her life.
5. Problem:
Nobody can relate. Protective step: Realize
that others have a hard time walking in your
shoes.
It's difficult for nonprimary caregivers to
see things from exactly your vantage point, so
try not to expect them to. Friends who aren't
caring for a mate with Alzheimer's can't begin
to imagine it. Your teenager may love Grandma
but developmentally can't help seeing herself
as the center of the universe.
What helps: Finding a caregiver support group
or online caregiving community, where you can
vent about your stresses with others who know
exactly what you mean. This has the added
benefit of freeing up your communication with
friends and family so that it's not
exclusively about caregiving.
6. Problem:
You fall into disagreements about
caregiving. Protective step: Agree to
disagree.
It's blessed but rare where an entire clan is
in agreement about every decision regarding a
parent's care. Accept that there may be
disagreements. Some you'll win, some you'll
lose. There's rarely one right way to handle
things. If siblings are in denial about a
situation, give them time. It's rare for all
sibs to be on the same page at the same time.
When you can't compromise, consider the
services of a family mediator -- a paid
professional or unpaid senior family friend
who can be a neutral party in sorting through
differences with an eye toward resolutions
that are in the parent's best interests and
that everyone can live with.
7. Problem:
You feel utterly unsupported. Protective
step: Know that it's OK to turn some
relationships loose.
Sometimes friends or even siblings fall away
in the chaos of caregiving. If a relationship
can't stand up to being on the back burner for
a while, or if arguments over it bring you to
the breaking point, sometimes it's healthier
to cut the other party loose. (For spouses and
kids, obviously, this is a less viable
option.)
Try not to take it personally; sometimes
stress brings relationship casualties.
"Sometimes friends drop you when you're a
caregiver, and that's OK," said TV-radio
commentator Leeza-Gibbons, founder of the
Leeza's Place communities for caregivers. "Not
all of them will be able to make the
caregiving journey with you -- but your solid
friendships can still be there for you."
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