My Time: The Well-Spaced Couple




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My Time: The Well-Spaced Couple

By Abigail Trafford, the Washington Post

March 16, 2004

Christina Butler of Columbus , Ohio , remembers being told how her father had to drop out of school in the eighth grade to run the family grocery store. So it makes sense that she went to college, earned two masters degrees and a PhD. As she said: "Education was the big thing in our family," and she dedicated her dissertation to her father.

For 17 years she taught library science in a tenured faculty position at Ohio Dominican University with a salary of about $58,000 a year.

Then, at age 55, she did something that didn't make a lot of sense to some of her colleagues. She resigned from her secure niche in academia and cut the family income by 40 percent.

Why did she take the leap? And how could she afford it?

The first answer is easy: She wanted to start an institute to prepare older students to make the most of their bonus decades. To achieve that dream, she formed a consulting business named Over60Learning.

The second answer is simple, too. "I'm able to do this because my husband is giving me moral support as well as financial support," she said. Her husband, a computer programmer, earns about $80,000 a year. "We can live comfortably on his salary," she said.

Her story raises the married-single conundrum. In the quest for what next, is it an advantage or a disadvantage to be part of a couple?

Butler and her husband, Roger, have been married for 35 years. They have three things going for them, she said: similar values -- they go to churchand are committed to social justice; friendship -- they went to the same high school and became friends before they fell in love; and the clincher -- they give each other space.

On their first date, they went to a movie about a couple that was constantly bickering. She said to him, "That stuff really upsets me." He said to her: "I think that happens because people don't give each other enough space."

"That has been the guiding principle of our marriage. Give each other space to be who we are as individuals -- which strengthens who we are as a couple," said Butler , 56.

Yet they are very different. Her husband, 59, never finished college. He has worked for the same company for 28 years. All the while, he supported her pursuit of advanced degrees. "He's very astute. He knew throughout our lives that if he didn't give me space, he'd lose me. I'm not easily corralled. He knew that I needed to be who I am," she said. "He is not intimidated by my degrees. He is secure in who he is to let me be who I am."

It took a year to make the decision to quit and start a new business -- what Butler calls her incubation phase. He husband noticed that she had grown introspective. Their conversations went like this: "Even when you're home, you're not home," he said. She explained: "I feel my life is out of balance. . . . I think I have to bite the bullet and quit this job." He replied: "You should go ahead and do it. I've been worried about you."

In marriage, Butler found two essentials: space and support.

Not all couples live in this zone of emotional comfort. Finding space can be a problem. In some marriages, one spouse may feel restricted or crushed by the other. The oft-heard refrains -- "he won't let me," and the milder version, "she doesn't understand me" -- may reflect a space crunch (real or imagined) in the relationship. Who wields the big emotional stick and dominates the marital agenda? Sometimes, the need of one spouse to control overwhelms the other.

The challenge for a couple is to create enough space for each to grow individually while providing enough mutual support to flourish as a partnership.

And that balance of space and support seems to be necessary in finding your what next, whether you're married or single.

If you are single, you have ample space. There's no one around to say you can't do something. At the same time, you lack the intimate support built into a good marriage, that daily habit of mutual validation. You feel very alone when it comes to taking risks.

The challenge for people who live alone is to create a network of supporters who can provide that intimate glue.

What's more, on the practical side, a single person doesn't have a second source of income.

At the same time, it's also a challenge for couples to find "just enough" money to thrive in these years. In some marriages, money becomes a battleground as two people fight for conflicting visions of the future: He wants to grow vegetables in the country; she wants to keep working in the city and sees any downsizing as a threat to her identity. Or vice versa.

Butler and her husband had to find ways to downsize together. For starters, they assessed their strengths. Her husband has no intention of retiring soon, she said. They have a safety net of retirement savings. Their son is grown and on his own.

They counted on shared values. "We live in a no-status neighborhood -- which is fine with us. We love our neighbors. We don't yearn for a lot of things. That's how I explain to myself that I have bought my freedom to make these choices," she said.

They did some belt-tightening. They don't go out to restaurants. They don't take expensive vacations. "We are not poor people. We have what we need," she said. "We had much less when we were younger, and we survived."

In the tradeoff between money and meaning, they have found just enough. And -- who knows? -- maybe her business will take off. She's become a "retirement coach." She has formed a steering committee to design a "life-learning" institute at a local community college. This group is examining such questions as: What is the appropriate curriculum for students over 60? How can education prepare My Timers for community service? Creative endeavors? Intergenerational teaching? Personal enrichment?

"I'm just wallowing in the satisfaction of doing what I really want to be doing now and finding meaning in it. This could be my legacy," said Butler .

"I give my husband a lot of credit. It's a team effort."