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Love
lights up couples' twilight years By Karen S. Peterson, Dottie McKenna and Joe Loeb married in September. They honeymooned at Walt Disney World. Their favorite stop: Epcot's Future World. They usually are looking ahead, although mindfully. He is 92. She is 82. The two married about six months after they met at Sunrise Bedford Court, a senior living community. "When you are 90, you realize you don't have that much time," she notes. "You have to make every minute count." Like many couples, the Loebs found love in later life. Like many, both had lost spouses to illness after long marriages. Others have parted from them in divorce court. But life goes on. And the fortunate create a bond with another. It is true that later love can be elusive, with complications that include prickly financial issues and family members who just don't want Mom or Dad to remarry. But still, experts on aging say senior couples increasingly are reaching out for love, companionship and romance. And maybe more. This is the era of Viagra and more open talk about sexual activity throughout one's adult life. The grown children of seniors may be shocked, but some of their parents who are living longer and healthier lives are also living lustier ones. "The sexual revolution of the baby boomers has
percolated upward to the older generation," says Paul Takayanagi, a
gerontologist formerly with He even recommends that the staffs of senior centers and retirement communities make sex education available. Since the AIDS epidemic began, more than 53,000 Americans 55 and older have been diagnosed with AIDS. Reliable numbers are hard to come by, but one survey conducted by AARP found that of those 75-plus who had partners, one in four had intercourse at least once a week. Another AARP-sponsored survey showed that those who are 65-plus don't think old age starts until 75, while the general public says 69 is old. Elders are finding each other in various ways. They
link up in elder communities, as the Loebs did. The two met on a
leaf-viewing expedition by bus to the The elderly also meet in senior centers, in churches or synagogues, through matchmaking clubs, in Internet chat rooms and on Web sites. If they find love, they have several options. They may choose to marry, to live separately but in a committed relationship, or just to live together without a wedding. Loeb says he and his wife chose marriage, with a
ceremony in the Marriage is the appropriate choice, says Jim
Larimore, 85, of "Neither of us is lonesome anymore," she says. Living close by is the answer for many who value
independence. Lee Kanaan of "It is important to maintain your own space," Kanaan says. "Sometimes seven days a week takes away the newness and freshness of things. When you see one another two or three days a week, you can't wait to see each other." Leah Rosenbluth, 90, of Grabow spent much of his time at her place, eating meals, playing the piano and occasionally practicing dance steps with her. Now the light in Rosenbluth's life has gone out, and she is in mourning. Grabow, 98, died last month where he had spent so much of his time: in her home. "He gave me security, self-confidence, a sense of worthwhileness," she says. "His love actually validated me. Because of his sweetness, I more easily accessed my own compassion and warmth." Others live together without marriage, citing
financial pitfalls. Such concerns prompted widower Glenn Barnum, 91, of He and Amy Martzke secured the blessings of a sympathetic minister. There was no legal marriage, but they were wed in the eyes of God, he says. Regrettably, he is now mourning two women: His second life partner died recently. "I miss both of them very much," he says. Cohabiting is becoming a popular option with seniors, says Ron Geraci, who tracks romantic trends for AARP The Magazine. For elders, "a lot of living together is for companionship and to have fun," not necessarily love, he says. That may make marriage seem less relevant to some. Takayanagi says the numbers of cohabiting seniors will increase when baby boomers begin to turn 65 — the oldest are 57 — and "bring their historically more non-traditional values about love, sex and relationships to their elder years." Aging boomers may hit some of the same roadblocks: Love, sex and relationships are not always easy to find in later years. First, women must face the demographics. "The big problem is the surplus of women over men, because men do not tend to live as long as women do," Geraci says. And often the older men who are available are interested in younger women. But then again, a woman may not be eager for the sound of wedding bells, he says. "A number of women will say they don't want to be a caretaker again," having already helped a husband through a long illness. A woman may not want to wed a still-older man, someone who "can't keep up with her, someone who is not in good shape." Health is almost always an issue. Dottie Loeb jokes with her husband: "I used to be a nurse. You just want somebody to take care of you!" He demurs. "You know better than that! You are my queen. You are love to me. You don't have to do anything." The two live in a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment, crammed with memories and treasures from two lifetimes that recently merged. Joe Loeb was married 67 years and lost his first wife in 2002. At 92, he still drives a car during the day and takes his wife on "dates" to nearby shopping malls. Dottie lost her husband nine years ago, after a
48-year marriage. A former competitor in the Senior Olympics, she makes
sure the two exercise mornings at Some of the challenges elders face are outlined in Older
Couples, New Romances: Finding & Keeping Love in Later Life by
Edith Ankersmit Kemp, 74, and her husband, Jerrold Kemp, 82, of Some of the glitches the Kemps cite: • Relationships with adult children. The grown kids can think a parent who finds a new love is being disloyal to an old one. They may be worried about sharing an inheritance. Or they may not want to think of their older parents as being sexual. Dottie Loeb says her nine children from her first marriage have been very accepting of Joe. But he says one of his two children still seems to have trouble accepting Dottie as "a wife instead of just a companion." • Finances. The Loebs each have a prenuptial agreement to keep their assets separate. "It doesn't sound very romantic, does it?" he says. But dealing with money can be very dicey, the Kemps say. Bring on the financial and legal advisers to help sort out the ups and downs of both marriage and living together, they say. Questions may come up about a variety of issues, including pensions, income taxes, estate plans, inheritances, living wills, health insurance, long-term care insurance and various types of powers of attorney. Complications should not keep older couples from reaching for the brass ring in their golden years, Edith Kemp says. "It is never too late to fall in love. When I realized I was in love with Jerry, it was just as exciting as when I was a teen." Seniors are living longer and are in better health, and many have a degree of financial security, Jerrold Kemp says. "These are years to find personal fulfillment." Joe Loeb says there is no one secret that enables elders to commit to another in later life. "God has mysterious ways of making people do things," he says. "It may sound crazy" at their age, he says. "But we just really fell in love." Copyright
© 2002 Global Action on Aging |
