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Falling in Love Again- Senior Couples Ignore Age as an Obstacle to |
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Single Seniors Find Love in Different Places
By: Jeff Commings
The Tribune, August 4, 2002
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (August 4, 2002 2:20 p.m. EDT)
- Society's stigma often brands anyone with gray hair and grandchildren as
romantically - defunct. Bring up the possibility that Grandma might be
sitting in a parked car with a suitor, and all most people can say is:
"Euuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwww."
Nationwide, 49 percent of all seniors - those older than 65 - are divorced
or widowed or never married, according to 1999 figures. Curiously, 48
percent of those younger have the same marital statuses, but the media and
society still handle the issue of seniors and dating with, well, kid
gloves.
Romantic comedies and advertisements, for example, tend to feature more
virile couples.
But the older set is just as active in the dating scene, observers say,
even if the numbers of potential love interests and venues to meet them
are limited.
"The thinking is very current around here," said James Mader,
manager of the Los Volcanes Senior Center in northwest Albuquerque.
"They (seniors) are thinking: 'I put in my time and I raised my kids.
I'm not dead yet!' "
The singles life for those in their 60s, 70s and 80s ranges from the
marriage-minded to the friendship-at-arm's-length mind-set.
For Veronica Valdez, a 75-year-old former homemaker, it's somewhere in
between. Three years ago, she was looking for her Fred Astaire and found
him in Elmer Blatchford, an 82-year-old retired Public Service Company of
New Mexico employee.
Cy Baca represents the commitment end of the spectrum. He said he was
looking for his Ginger Rogers and found her in Mercedes Lopez. Both are 75
and spend their days at the Barelas Senior Center in the South Valley.
They married when both were 70, three years after they met.
Valdez and Blatchford, on the other hand, go out to eat, dance and have a
good time - with no defined commitment beyond "friends."
After the death of her husband, Rudolpho, in 1995, Valdez said she wasn't
looking to replace him. Her children were grown; no father figure was
needed around the house. She just wanted someone who danced well.
Blatchford waltzed into her life at just the right moment. A regular at
the North Valley Senior Center's monthly dinner/dance, he led Valdez out
to the dance floor three years ago. They've been dancing together ever
since.
And that's all. What many would call dating, they simply describe as
"going out, eating and enjoying ourselves."
And going to practically every dance in Albuquerque. As the two twirl
cheek to cheek at the North Valley Senior Center's July dance, their moves
are not as snappy as they might have been 40 years ago. But like the best
dancers, there is an ageless chemistry.
So much so that Valdez's hand inadvertently - or maybe purposefully -
slips from the small of Blatchford's back to a few inches below his
waistline.
And yet they still say they're not dating.
Valdez and Blatchford are two of Albuquerque's 75,857 citizens older than
62, according to the 2000 census. Although many single seniors say they
don't have the desire to fall in love again or even seek a steady
companion, Cupid's arrow sometimes strikes anyway.
Or, at the very least, prompts someone to ask someone else to dance.
"It just happened," Valdez said. "(Blatchford) asked me to
dance, and he was a good dancer."
And that's all.
The twentysomethings - and some middle-agers searching for the fountain of
youth - go looking for love at places such as Banana Joe's, Martini Grill
and Stone Face Tavern, all clearly geared to the younger set with
contemporary music and activities.
For seniors, the choices are much different.
Cy and Mercedes Baca say the happenin' places for seniors are the seven
senior centers in the area - places that Mader said his guests call
"the club."
No strobe lights, bass-pounding rhythms or tube tops here. The senior
centers offer daily and weekly classes in aerobics, dancing, fishing and
pottery.
Among the most popular senior center offerings are the free weekly dances,
where married couples, dating couples and date-free bachelors and
bachelorettes boogie to salsa and country music from a live band and
mingle with friends in each center's large dance hall.
Henrietta Smith, North Valley Senior Center's supervisor, said not many of
the city's centers offer meetings for singles, although it might depend on
demand.
But some of the regulars don't need planned meetings to strike a match.
The Bacas met at the Barelas Senior Center eight years ago. Both served on
the center's board; he as treasurer, she as its president. A trip to Santa
Fe got their hearts fluttering, but Mercedes said it wasn't until Cy
peeked his head into the ceramics room that he truly caught the eye of his
future bride.
Their chemistry was so in tune that one of their close friends thought
they had been married all along.
Data on the number of new marriages past the age of 65 are difficult to
find. A 1992 census study neglects the marriage habits of those over 54,
stating that "It is unlikely that a major influence on marriage and
divorce trends will be exerted by women over age 54."
The study does suggest, however, that the number of second marriages past
the age of 65 decreases, citing irregular "remarriage behavior"
among seniors, as well as the fact that not as many men live past 70,
thereby reducing the number of prospects for women.
Not all seniors hang out at the centers to find spouse No. 2, of course.
Prospero Montoya, for instance, comes to the weekly dances to get some
exercise to help lose weight and lower his blood pressure. He swears
that's the only reason he's at the North Valley Senior Center every week.
"I don't want to date," the 83-year-old said. "I'm too old
for any commitment."
Montoya said that despite his resolve not to date, he gets hit on by dance
partners all the time. But he just brushes them off.
His physical problems, plus the memories of his wife, who died in 1997,
strengthen his resolve to remain single. Whenever he mentions his wife,
his voice is filled with pauses and plenty of emotion.
His desire to not date doesn't mean Montoya abhors the practice among his
friends. With some people, it's a necessity, he said.
One of the biggest challenges seniors might seem to face when starting new
relationships is getting the blessings of their children and other family
members. But most seniors interviewed for this story said there has been
nothing but support at home.
"My kids tell me to go ahead and have a good time, even my husband,
before he died," Valdez said.
Her four children have met Blatchford, and even though Valdez doesn't like
to use the "D word," her children - now adults - think dating is
a natural choice for the two.
Cy Baca has no children. But Mercedes Baca said her four children
immediately took a liking to Cy.
And although the 1992 census survey seems to say that new marriages among
senior citizens aren't significant, the Bacas show that a new marriage
late in life has a lot of meaning.
Mercedes said she doesn't want her children to get the idea that it was OK
to "shack up for no reason. We want to respect our children.
"And, you know, we like each other."
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