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More Sons Are Juggling Jobs and Care for Parents
By
MAGGIE JACKSON New
York Times, June 15, 2003
Larry Orensten, an independent market researcher in Lexington, Mass., has dropped everything and rushed out of his home office a dozen times in recent years to deal with his elderly parents' emergencies. He schedules meetings with a backup plan in mind, and sometimes uses the midnight hour to catch up on his work. "You're always thinking, `What if?' " said Mr. Orenstein, 61, who helped care for his ailing father, Harold, for years before his death from congestive heart failure last September. Mr. Orenstein now shares the care of his mother, Phyllis, 88, with his brother, Steve. "You have to remain as flexible as you can," he said. More men are stepping in to care for elderly mothers, fathers and other relatives and are conducting a difficult balancing act between work and home life, according to a new study. Men are shopping, cleaning and doling out medicines while reworking schedules to accommodate the needs of older relatives. Two-thirds of men and women who provide care say their careers have suffered as a result, yet men are far less likely to tell their bosses or co-workers about their role. "I call them the hidden caregivers," said Sandra Timmermann, director of the MetLife Mature Market Institute, the company's research group on issues related to aging. The institute commissioned the study and released its results on Wednesday. "This isn't just a woman's issue; it's really a societal issue." The findings underscore a need for more workplace support when employees care for the elderly, Ms. Timmermann said. Such care costs companies $11.4 billion a year in lost productivity from absenteeism, turnover and work interruptions, the institute has estimated. Companies are beginning to offer help, but the spread of these programs has been slow, partly because of the hidden and sensitive nature of such care. Few people want to think about the issue until an emergency arises, and many men and women shoulder the burden silently. Last year, 21 percent of companies offered resource and referral services related to caring for elders, up from 15 percent in 1998, according to the Society for Human Resource Management in Alexandria, Va. The MetLife survey is among the first nationwide studies of the differences between male and female workers in caring for the elderly. The study involved 944 women and 442 men nationwide who provide such care and who work at three Fortune 500 corporations; it was conducted online last fall by the National Alliance for Caregiving, a research and advocacy coalition based in Bethesda, Md., and Towson University's Center for Productive Aging. The three companies were not identified. "Since we have an increasing number of women in the workplace and an increasing number of elderly, it's logical that more men are care-giving," said Ms. Wagner, director of the gerontology program at Towson. Changing family dynamics also lead aging parents to turn to sons for help, rather than to what may be their sons' second or third wives, researchers say. Men who care for the elderly are far less likely than women to provide intimate care like dressing or feeding. More than one-third of women who care for an older person help with dressing, compared with one-fifth of men, the MetLife study found. But men manage medications, provide transportation, do grocery shopping and even housework almost as much as women do. "Men aren't just standing back and writing checks," Ms. Wagner said. A quarter of the men in the study said they lived with the person they cared for. Since his mother moved in with him last fall, Steve Orenstein, who is single, has divided his time between managing an auto parts store 10 hours a day and a second shift of cooking and caring for his mother. He said that he didn't resent his new role but that he was still getting used to the change. "I've pretty much given up on a social life of my own," said Mr. Orenstein, who is 54. "The stress just doesn't end anymore." Like many men, he keeps his home responsibilities mostly to himself at work. He has told his boss, because he has had to leave the store for emergencies, but generally has not shared it with his co-workers. "It's not something that comes up in conversation on a regular basis," he said. "When you're at work, you keep it professional." Nearly 90 percent of the men in the MetLife survey said their care responsibilities did not carry a stigma in the workplace. Less than half the men surveyed, however, had told co-workers, compared with 62 percent of women. And only 44 percent of men, versus 56 percent of women, had discussed their situations with a boss. Although growing numbers of men don't mind being associated with care, they may not want to hurt their careers or their image by acknowledging the toll it can take on their jobs, said Edward H. Thompson, director of gerontology studies at the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, Mass., and co-editor of "Men as Caregivers: Theory, Research and Service Implications" (Springer Publishing, 2001). "By saying, `I need flextime or time off to do elder care,' you're seeming to tell the world that work is a second priority," Mr. Thompson said. He added that men often took sick days and vacation time after their children were born, instead of taking parental leave. "Men are still expected to hide their emotional lives and commitment to family," he said, adding that men tend to compartmentalize their work and home lives, even in dealing with less serious subjects. Of course, both men and women face challenges in juggling a job and the care of an elderly relative, which lasts an average of 4.5 years, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving. Nearly 80 percent of men in the MetLife study said there were times when they had to go to work late or leave early because of their responsibilities, and nearly 40 percent said they had had to change business travel plans. David Cassaday, director of product development in New York for a Chinese luxury sweater manufacturer, has had to make many accommodations in his career to care for his mother, Mary, 69, since she was found to have Alzheimer's disease seven years ago. The sacrifices have included switching to a job that did not require much travel and taking weeks of unpaid time off. While he said he felt lucky that his current job did not require much travel, his company gives him little flexibility in his day-to-day schedule. "They are very strict about time," said Mr. Cassaday, 42, who is single and rarely talks about his situation with his bosses. "Any time out of the office is bad." Vincent DaForno, a computer programmer, recently moved in with his 90-year-old father, Olimpio, in Woburn, Mass., after the older man had a brief unhappy stay in a nursing home. Mr. DaForno says his employer, Biogen, has been supportive during the four years he has cared for his father. But his career has indirectly suffered, he said, because he has not wanted to pursue jobs that would require him to change his employer or to move. "It had an effect," said Mr. DaForno, who is 55. "Most people in my profession jump around to get to higher levels." Caring for his father has also affected Mr. DaForno's home life: he moved out of the house he shared with his wife, Jean, in Dorchester, a 45-minute drive from his father's home. They see each other on weekends. More companies are trying to support workers by offering subsidies, in-home care assessments by geriatric nurses and even on-site geriatric care managers. And there are signs that more men, especially in younger generations, are willing to ask for help, corporate work-life managers say. "Younger men realize it's O.K. to be a male and look into the type of resources they need to be a caregiver," said Michelle Stone, senior program manager for dependent care at the mortgage agency Fannie Mae, which offers an on-site geriatric care consultant. Thirty percent of the consultant's clients have been men. "I know my father would never come into work and talk about elder-care concerns," Ms. Stone said. "That's the woman's area of expertise." Barry Orenstein, meanwhile, says he doesn't feel like a pioneer as he and his brother quietly care for their mother with some help from Mr. Orenstein's wife, Susan, and two grown daughters. "It's just something that fell on our shoulders, and we do it," he said. "It was just something that needed to be done." Copyright
© 2002 Global Action on Aging |
Barry
Orenstein and his brother, Steve, right, help take care of their mother,
Phyllis, 88. More men are handling such obligations.