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Seeking Love
About
three years after my marriage ended, friends started nudging me.
"It's time," they said. "You need to get back out
there." Dating sounded about as appealing as being air-dropped naked
into But
being the lone single at dinner parties of my friends was getting to be
tedious. So
I took the leap. I placed a personal ad in an outdoorsy magazine, started
with a few coffee dates, and attempted to rebuild my faith in the whole
tortured process. Before long, one thing became clear: I realized that if
I were patient, sooner or later I would get that chance at second love. I
also learned that the grown-up dating game has never been so interesting.
There are more players than ever before: Higher divorce rates, longer life
spans, and a greater tendency to never marry are churning out more single
Americans than at any other time in the country's history. Of the 97
million Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent—36.2
million—are on the loose, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. We
have more creative ways of finding each other, too. While the go-get-'em
spirit of baby boomers had already created a bumper crop of dating
services, personal-ad vehicles, and Club Med-inspired singles vacations by
the mid-1980s, the more recent Internet explosion has made looking for
love as routine as shopping for cheap airfares. Being
single later in life is becoming the norm. "The stigma of looking for
someone is vanishing," says Susan Fox, founder of Personals Work, a
Boston-based service that helps people create effective personal ads.
"You get over your embarrassment when you look around and see how
common it is." People
today are often as open about their adventures in dating as they are about
buying books on Amazon.com. CEOs seem to have no qualms about posting a
picture of themselves in Bermuda shorts in an Internet personal
ad—shareholders be damned. The New York Times regularly details
dating success stories in its wedding announcements. Not
only are we bolder, there's plenty of evidence that we're better at dating
than younger people. "The one thing that our research continually
shows is that the older a person gets, the more he or she becomes a
practical dater, as opposed to being emotionally driven," says Trish
McDermott, vice president of romance (now there's a title!) for Match.com.
Single Americans over 55 are the group least likely to believe their
romantic lives are controlled by destiny, she says, or that they have only
one soul mate. Some are also optimistic; more than one in five believe
they will find romance this year. And
many will. One reason for this is that we bring realistic expectations to
dating. (For example, surveys show that single people in their 50s are
among the least likely to expect a long-term commitment.) We're also more
flexible and open-minded about finding someone. "Younger
people—especially those in their 20s and 30s—tend to be very
idealistic in their search for a mate, and are so swept up in their
careers that it's harder for them to make the time it takes to get to know
someone," says Anne Lambert, a coordinator at Science Connection, a
dating service for people with backgrounds and interests in science and
nature. In
contrast, singles in their 50s have greater wisdom and grace in dealing
with people, which helps in dating. Statistics
may show that we're successful when we hunt, but too many 50-plus people
have given up and resigned themselves to watching Letterman alone. For
instance, our new singles survey of 3,501 Americans ages 40 through 69
found that 43 percent didn't have one first date last year. We'd like to
think that many of them already have a steady partner, but that's not the
case: Thirty-six percent of those in their 50s admitted they hadn't been
kissed or hugged even once in the last six months. There's
a one-word explanation for such abundant aloneness: divorce. As recently
as 25 years ago, when someone over 50 was on the prowl, most people
assumed that the person was widowed. But that's changed radically; today,
a solo person in his or her 50s is far more likely to be divorced than
widowed. About 15.4 percent of all Americans in their 50s are divorced,
while 6.2 percent have never been married. Only 4.4 percent are widowed. To
a married person, such statistics sound like hairsplitting. But anyone who
has ever endured the agony of Bitter-Ex Syndrome on a first date knows the
effect divorce can have on finding a new relationship. What's more,
research shows that those who have fled unhappy marriages may be less
likely to remarry later in life. Many paddle around the dating pool
indefinitely, very much aware that second marriages are statistically more
likely to fail than first marriages. This
is no doubt one reason that the number of older singles who shack up
without marrying has skyrocketed. Recent data from the U.S. Census found
that among households headed by a person who is 45 or older, 1.2 million
contain two adults who are not related or married to each other. That
represents a dramatic increase from 1995, when just 736,000 of such
households contained two unmarried adults. Carolyn
Taft, 57, from "You've
got a lot more at risk than when you're in your 20s, when everything is
about hormones," says Taft. "Now you've got kids. And I wasn't
quite sure I was ready to give up my independence." Her
live-in partner, Gordon Ayres, now 72, was also skittish about his return
to dating. "I had married when I was very young, so when I separated
at 54, I didn't have much sexual experience. I thought I was over the hill
and that I'd never attract women," he says. Fortunately, he was
wrong; women found him plenty attractive. He joined a Feeling
uneasy about intimacy is a big reason singles stay on the dating
sidelines. Some—even baby boomers, famous for their sexual
permissiveness—find getting naked in front of someone new a difficult
transition. "I don't even like looking at me naked anymore,"
jokes Phil, a 53-year-old recently divorced man who wishes to remain
anonymous. "It's
as tricky to date in your 50s as it is when you first start dating as a
kid," says Dawne Touchings, 50, of On
top of everything else, there is the increasingly confusing realm of
balancing a potential date's sexual attractiveness against compatibility:
"I liked the way 30-year-old women looked when I was 22, and I still
do," Phil admits. "But I don't want to have a relationship with
a much younger woman. I want a woman who is my equal,
experience-wise." Given
these dilemmas, some are more comfortable in a group that lets them
sidestep sex entirely. For example, Andrew Watson, 71, a retired city
employee, helped start the singles group at There
are some dating obstacles only women face: They live longer—which is a
medical blessing but a dating curse. While the differences are relatively
minor for those ages 55 through 64, when there are 92 men for every 100
women, they get more dramatic as men die and women thrive. In the 65
through 74 age group, there are 82 men for every 100 women. And after 75,
the ratio drops to 53 men for every 100 women. These odds, experts say,
make it easy for women to become discouraged and for men to be a little
more standoffish. "It's
so hard to get men to come to our events," laments a woman who runs a
travel-oriented singles group for older African Americans. "They know
women outnumber them, and they expect women to just come find them." Men,
naturally, are aware of this demographic power shift as they age. But not
all of them flaunt their power. The numbers mean little, says the recently
widowed Stanley Stiansen of Topsham, The
man shortage is magnified by the tendency of men to date younger women.
"Men are more likely today to be delighted to date a woman who is
significantly younger," says matrimonial consultant Zelda Fischer,
who runs a matchmaking service called Gentlepeople, Ltd., in Romance
always carries a high risk of heartbreak and disappointment, but new
strategies for meeting people seem to make that risk even higher for
boomers. In online dating, for example, almost all services allow you to
stay completely anonymous, but it's still easy to imagine
chain-saw-wielding, identity-thieving wackos on the other side of the
computer line. Experts insist these fears are overblown: Using common
sense, like making contact with a cellular phone and meeting in a public
place, is enough to make dating strangers as safe as dating anyone else.
(In truth, the accountant your aunt wants to set you up with could be a
nut job, too, right?) "Believe
me, I've met some real lunatics," says Ilene Carr, a widow from Finding
and meeting the right person always involves an element of luck. But
before diving into a pricey gym club membership, hopping on a
Caribbean-bound Love Boat, or joining a dating service, it pays to think
hard about what you expect. Are you looking for a lot of dates (with many
potential sweeties) or just one connection with Mr. or Ms. Right? Is
sharing religious beliefs as important as the fact that your love interest
lives nearby? Can you stomach awkward small talk at Starbucks or are group
events more comfortable? And of course, how much are you willing to
invest—both in time and money? That said, here's a guide to where sparks
are flying, roughly in order of the cheapest to the most expensive paths
to finding new love. 1
Churches (Really Big Ones) Laurencetta
Watson, 58, who works in the IT division of She
met her husband, Andrew Watson, at her first meeting. He pronounced her
name correctly from her nametag, she says. "Few people can ever say
my name, so it got my attention right away." He asked if she'd be
joining a group of friends later for a card game, and she said yes.
"He was there to hold the door for me when I left the church, then he
must have raced ahead, because by the time I got to the person's house for
the card game, he was there holding the door open for me. I wasn't even
looking for anybody, and I found him at my very first singles
meeting." 2
Outdoorsy Clubs Mary
Morales, 57, didn't sign up for the Sierra Club to meet a man. She just
wanted to learn how to pitch a tent. "I always figured, if you're
lucky enough to connect romantically, that's great, but if not, at least
you'll have a damn good time." She did meet her boyfriend on an
outing; they both continue to participate in Sierra Singles events.
"I lead my own trips now," she says. 3
Speed Dating A
twist on the old singles mixer, the event is usually held at a bar or
restaurant. You register beforehand, show up, and receive a list of eight
or more "dates" for the night. You spend only three or so
minutes with each, then mark on your sheet who you'd like to see again.
The organizer then e-mails you the names of people who said the same about
you. Events are fun-spirited, fast-paced, and priced right: Expect to pay
about $30 to participate. The downside is that many of these events
exclude older people. But stay tuned—as they grow in popularity, more
groups are adding "50 to 59" speed-dating nights. One place to
start: www.pre-dating.com. 4
The Internet (You thought we'd never get to this, right?) Far
from being nervous about Web introductions, older Americans are jumping
into online dating with growing enthusiasm. Our survey found that one in
14 singles ages 40 through 59 regularly uses the Internet to find dates, a
number that is likely to increase rapidly. Many of those who haven't used
Internet dating still think it's a good idea: Research has found that 43
percent of people age 55 or older believe it is possible for people who
meet via the Internet to fall in love. Match.com,
the largest service, boasts 1.5 million members over 50, about 10 percent
of membership. Older members are also one of its fastest-growing groups:
The number of 50-plus members grew by 65 percent last year. Both Match.com
($25 per month) and Yahoo! personals
($20 per month), the second-largest service, offer safety guidelines and
the chance to start meeting new people right away. Both
services walk you through the process: You fill out a self-description,
post your photo, and then you can start e-mailing prospects within a day.
(Photos are key, by the way. If you aren't willing to reveal yourself, you
won't generate nearly as much interest.) Most people enjoy browsing
through hundreds of potential dating partners listed on these sites,
though others say they often feel overwhelmed, as if they are hunting for
a rare auto part. Finally,
tales of people who don't match their self-descriptions are common.
"A man's ad would say he loved the outdoors, then he wouldn't be able
to walk from my house to the end of my driveway," says Maura
Callahan, 53, a mobile blood-bank coordinator in 5
Personal Ads As
old-fashioned as getting rid of unwanted kittens, almost every regional
magazine and newspaper—from The New York Times to free
weeklies—has a personals section. Prices vary from free or cheap to
hundreds of dollars. (Try our web-exclusive Personal
Ad Maker.) 6
Special-Interest Services Whatever
trait you desire—whether it's a passion for Harley-Davidsons, a strict
adherence to Buddhism, or both—there's a dating service for you. Using
any search engine, just type in "singles," plus your passions
and interests: Jewish? You've got JDate.com,
JMatch.com, and Jewishcafe.com,
just for starters. Wanna dance? Take your pick of contra, swing,
two-stepping, or disco. Passionate about a cause? Consider Green Singles (www.greensingles.com;
$24 for three months), a group in the environmental, vegetarian, and
animal rights community. Maura Callahan found success through this
service. Shortly after she posted her self-description, she received an
e-mail from David Bach, 59. The two met and fell in love. The
Right Stuff connects people with another common bond: a diploma from an
Ivy League or other prestigious college. Founder Dawne Touchings realized
that people tend to marry others with similar backgrounds, and many meet
in college. A service linking grads from the same (or at least similar)
college seemed to her to be a slam dunk. "I'm amazed how many people
say something like, 'I'm 54, and I just got divorced from a woman who was
a Smithie. I want another Smithie,'" says Touchings. Membership to
The Right Stuff (800-988-5288, www.rightstuffdating.com)
is $70 for six months, plus $3.10 for each "biography." 7
Matchmaker While
matchmakers may be a vanishing breed, they still have their champions,
especially those interested in privacy, discretion...and a wedding ring.
For some, spending a great deal to meet the perfect person is a solid
investment. Zelda Fischer's Gentlepeople, for instance, charges from
$15,000 to $50,000. "Marriage consultants are to dating services what
executive recruiters are to employment agencies," she says. "Our
clients don't want to see 300 resumés—they want the one right
person." Check the yellow pages and World Wide Web listings, and be
sure to check references. Are
any of these paths a sure thing? Of course not. But as the old lottery
slogan goes, "You gotta play to win." And I have won: Seven
years after my divorce (believe me, that includes an awful lot of awkward
first dates and sulky retreats into Law & Order reruns), I met
someone wonderful. It happened when I least expected it, in the most
traditional way possible: I was listening to music at a blues club with
friends, and boom—there he was, asking me to dance. Six
months later, we're in love, but both reluctant to make predictions about
the future. It's complicated; like me, he's been married once before and
has his own team of underage dating critics to contend with. But I do know
one thing for certain: For those willing to keep their chin up and their
mind open, love is just around the corner.
Copyright
© 2002 Global Action on Aging |
